Energetic for a change

Once 5PM rolled around I’ve been feeling energetic for a change. I helped Jerry stake out the area where his 80 feet long garage is to be built. I got fiberglass from the stakes all over me but other than that it was nice. Now I’m hanging out at Hinkle for 12 more minutes waiting for a pizza to finish cooking.
I’m getting a bigger poochie belly. I need to figure out an exercise routine that will work for me.

I’m missing my congregation meeting and felt bummed about it a little. I’ve missed the last 2 weeks because I fell off the wagon regarding my smoking. Tomorrow is my last day [again] as a smoker and I can hardly wait to see what Satan will throw at me next.

I know I haven’t properly updated this blog in a long time… No one reads it (I hope lol), so I’ve not really felt the need.

My kids have been home since the start of the school year (Myles came home last this past January). My girls have been rebelling like I couldn’t believe!

Anyhow… The pizza is almost done so I’ll close for now. I’ll update my totals before bed.

MOOD: 3-6

MEDS: 2 ibuprofen; 1 Ranitidine; 2 Green Tea; 1 Allergy; 2 Celexa; 2 Seroquel

DIET: McD’s Egg, Sausage, 3 Pancakes, Lg. Coke; 2 Mounds; 1/2 bite of Pizza lol; Lg. Coffee; 1 XXX Vitamin Water; 1/2 Focus Vitamin Water

HEALTH: 5 Runny nose, itchy eyes, ulcer upset

TOTALS

CLEANED: 0

EXERCISED: 7 Yard Work

FAMILY: 5

GROOMED: 10

RECREATION: 5 Hulu

SELF: 5

THEOCRATIC: 7 (Copied CH. 4 “Come be my follower” onto iPad)

TOTAL SLEEP: 7 hrs

QUALITY OF SLEEP: 5

another day

MOOD: 5

MEDS: 2 Celexa; 2 Seroquel; 2 Green Tea

DIET: Hardees Smothered Hashbrowns, Lg. Coke; Sheetz Grilled Cheese W/ Bacon extra cheese , Lg. coke

HEALTH: 5 okay little headachy

TOTALS

CLEANED: 0

EXERCISED: 0

FAMILY: 4 hung out with Zee

GROOMED: 0 *blah*

RECREATION: 5 Hulu, RS

SELF: 6

THEOCRATIC: 0 *sigh*

TOTAL SLEEP: c. 8 hrs

QUALITY OF SLEEP: 4

TEMPLATE

MOOD:

MEDS:

DIET:

HEALTH:

TOTALS

CLEANED:

EXERCISED:

FAMILY:

GROOMED:

RECREATION:

SELF:

THEOCRATIC:

TOTAL SLEEP:

QUALITY OF SLEEP:

lala

MOOD: 5

MEDS: 2 1991 Caffeine pills; 2 Green Tea

DIET: Chocolate Poptart; Steamed Veggies

HEALTH: 3. dizzy; vomiting; hot/cold; feverish

TOTALS

CLEANED: Trailer- 4

EXERCISED: cleaning 3

FAMILY: hanging out 3

GROOMED: 2 no shower

RECREATION: RS. 5

SELF: 7

THEOCRATIC: 0

TOTAL SLEEP: 8hrs /

QUALITY OF SLEEP: 5

Let’s Continue…

SO….. I am NOT one of Jehovah’s Witnesses at this time. A JW wrote me an email asking how I could record such poetry here.
The simple answer is: I’m proud of my creativity. I’m not always proud of the end results of such creative moments but I have no… ??? … secrets and no pride against revealing my darker moments as well as my better ones. It makes me who I am- for better or worse.
Bible writers didn’t soften the mistakes they made nor those of their leaders.
And I gave ample warning that the language was inappropriate for some peoples sensitivities. They don’t have to read it.
I am not here to stumble anyone, just to vent to the world and reveal a bit about who I am and how I reached this point.

I DO plan on returning to the Kingdom Hall. I need to stop smoking first though. I need to keep my house clean. I need to gain complete and full custody of my kids. Until those three things happen, the Congregation will be unable to accept me back, no matter how sorry I am.

Do I have a contrary, contradicting nature? Most definitely.
Swear words, which have no logical reason, DOES bother me in entertainment (the “f” word dropped every other word for instance). Do I NEVER curse? I rarely curse, but I have my lapses.
I still like zombie movies (so long as it’s not a gorefest or magic based or over the top in bad language). But I shun vampire and ghost movies. I’m far from perfect. I have a LOT of things to work on.

Rather Neglectful

I haven’t been here in what feels like forever. Having dial-up internet at the Farm hinders my on-line life.

Things have remained pretty much the same for me. I do have 3 out of 4 of my kids home now though. It’s a mixed blessing and I still don’t expect it to last. And until I know whether or not the Court is going to let me keep them, it’s hard for me to commit to quitting smoking and getting back to the Kingdom Hall.

Speaking of kids… mine just walked into the RV so I’ll finish this tomorrow.

Appointments with God

I was about to take a nap so I told myself: “You need to go to the meeting tonight… make sure you wake up in time, even if you end up not wanting to go. You WILL go tonight!”
As I lay, trying to sleep, my mind filled with familiar anxieties and could-be offenses. I’m still disfellowshipped. I still want to return. But since last November and my suicide attempt, I have been spiritually weak to an extreme (as well as emotionally and mentally weak). So I thought about going to the Elders and asking for help. My hubby had disaasociated himself decades ago and when he returned in 2001, a Bible study was set up with an MS to help him regain his spiritual strength (though still disassociated). I thought about asking for similar assistance. But then I concluded that I couldn’t ask for help because if I was denied it, I WOULD become so offended that I doubt I could ever return.

Then I told myself to ask anyhow, and if I was turned down, I could appeal to the Society. Then I considered the questions they would probably ask: Are you regular with your Bible reading and meeting attendance. To which I would have to answer no. To which I would tell them: “I’m so depressed, I can barely get up in the morning let alone study, pray, or make it to my meetings. But having an appointment would help because if another person is counting on me, I make the extra effort.”
To which my Bible trained conscience replied: “Then make an appointment with God.”

I think that would work… and more. If I look at life as various appointments with God, I think I could get back on track. I hate cleaning, but if I set aside (say) an hour each day to clean with God, my attitude will change.

I’m going to put this into practice this week and see how it goes.

My first attempt was an utter failure… but I still attained interesting results.
I went to sleep last night some time after 1AM. I fell asleep before I got through my binaural introduction, which is about 30 minutes long.
I awoke some time after I told myself to “awake” but I didn’t recall dreaming at all. I fell back to sleep and I still recall not a single dream.
The interesting part is that I awoke severely dehydrated and completely awake- at 8AM and my back hurt something awful- as if I had been sleeping much longer than I really had been. I’m never awake and functioning before 10AM.
If I take a nap today, I’ll try my tape again. If not, I’ll it again tonight when I go to bed.
I didn’t use earphones. I just set my voice recorder on the arm of the couch near my head. The volume might not have been high enough.

I’m playing around with lucid dreaming. I’ve made a recording to help myself along, but then I forgot the task of the month on dreamviews isn’t supposed to be shared with the other members just yet.
Here’s what I wrote before deleting it:

“Alright! I feel so inspired! I just finished my tape.
Here’s the story:

“You are going into a deep sleep, sleep deep. You will hear no other sound except the sound of my voice. If the dog barks or the phone rings you will not notice. This is *your* time. *Your* dream. Everything else is unimportant. and can wait.

Tonight you are going on a grand adventure. You must find cupid and steal his bow.
Look around you. You’re in a forest, dark and deep but peaceful. There are many paths before you, but you *must* take the path on your right- the one that’s closest to the stream.
Hear the water. Feel the water that leaps up to cool you feet as it bounces off the rocks which are in its way.
Hear the birds calling. There are so many different types. Listen to each of their unique chirps and whistles.

Continue following the path… Now, on the other side of the stream, is a great mountain. Cupid is hiding at the top. You need to fly up there to reach him.
Grab the air and kick up off the ground. It’s easy and you haven’t a care in the world.
And looky there! CUpid is standing near the large oak in the center of the clearing. And, what more, he’s distracted.
There’s a lovely maiden singing near the well in the distance. Cupid seems absolutely smitten by her, and he’s carelessly lain his bow on the ground on the other side of the great tree.

Make yourself invisible and steal his bow.
That’s right. Great work!
But what are you going to do with the bow? You already have love.

Take aim at the maiden and shoot her.
Great shot!
Now tease Cupid forward as that she’ll see and fall in love with him.

Call out to Cupid: “Cupid, Cupid… I have your bow. I’ve left it for you near the well.” Say also: “You better hurry before it falls into the wrong hands!”

You watch as he rushes forward, only to be embraced and kissed by the maiden.
Great work!
But guess what? You’re dreaming. And now I have a very special task for you.
Completely darken your surroundings. Don’t worry. You’re completely safe.
Now, I need you to think deeply on the name Clarity. She’s a member of Dreamviews and she desperately needs a hug.
Can you do that?
Picture her in your mind- she with her 4 dogs. Find her and give her a hug.
Once you do that, I want you to wake up and record your entire dreams. You will remember all of them down to the last seemingly unimportant detail.

Now awake. Remember. Record.”

I offset the story with binaural recordings. Before I even began speaking, I used 4Hz theta, then 3Hz. As I spoke, I had a combination of 14 and 12Hz beta playing softly in the background.
The only thing that may hinder my experiment may be volume control and keeping my earphones in while sleeping 😀
I’ll be sure to record any success I meet.

My husband is insane

A few years ago he invented something called the money game. He gave me, his daughter and his daughters friend $200. to spend on whatever we wanted. We had a list of rules but I’ve forgotten most of it. At the end of it, we had had to show him the receipts. Whoever had the most money left over had to give it to the person with the least money. we had 24 hours to spend it all.
Well, he sort of revised the rules. His son, daughter and I were told we had a month to spend what was in the envelope. We weren’t allowed to spend the money on anyone except ourselves, we couldn’t put it in the bank or save save it in any way. If we gamble the money (as his son joked), we were told we had to spend the winnings as well.
When we opened the envelope, we almost had a heart attack. We were each given $5,000.
My children have been asking to play the money game for a year (with $100. each as I had played it with them), so I was a little upset that hubby gave us so much and always disregards my children. But what can I do?
So far, I’ve bought a PS3, X-box Elite, DS lite, a wireless keyboard and mouse, several games, medicine, blood pressure and glucose machines and fast food, a new phone, an oil candle, a body pillow and a memory foam pillow as well as a felt blanket and some books. I filled up my car twice, gave my boys $5. each and bought game cards for my daughters and $220. to the Kingdom Hall and I’m going to have the dog spayed.
Tomorrow, I’m going to go to the mall and buy more games